Mercury Retrograde, which began on August 4 and concludes on August 27, invites us into reflection. Yes, we can be led into misunderstanding and miscommunication during these three weeks with a 14-day shadow on each end, but it also urges us to review, reflect, revisit, and realign relationships. What I love the most is that we also have the opportunity to rewrite how a story ends.
Reflecting on this year so far, I realize how wonderfully love has resonated in my life. The greatest gift has been having the opportunity to grow more deeply into a relationship with my honorary godson. Though he is only in his mid-20s, he is highly intelligent, not just cognitively but also emotionally. Therefore, holding space for him as he goes through a difficult life transition has afforded me a deeper insight into the psyche and spirit of the embodiment of healthy or heroic masculinity (the opposite of the toxic kind). Imagine a man who chooses daily to be better, not bitter.
To identify with an apparently powerful segment of the American population this election cycle, I am a joyfully childless and happily single cat lady. The men in my life are great friends who also fit the healthy male description, however, the opportunity to connect over life events, which lead to deeply meaningful and bravely vulnerable conversations are rare. Much of the daily access I have to men, perhaps by design, comes through the news and it sadly reinforces the desire to keep my world safe and small. I’ve had far too many traumatic experiences with toxic masculinity to long for more of that in my life.
Something else I’ve witnessed this year that has been a revelation is platonic love. I am blessed to have so much of it in my life that it isn’t a foreign concept at all, but what was a real delight was to see it in the places that entertain me. During the months of May and June, that place was with Shondaland and Bridgerton. It wasn’t just the two-part reveal of season three of Bridgerton that kept me riveted, but the numerous interviews from the press tour. I’m pretty sure I watched them all while waiting for the second half of the season to be released. I loved the way that love was present everywhere, be it on set or in interviews with everyone in the cast. Many were interviewed while holding hands and speaking highly of one another with great adoration and gratitude.
The show leads for the season who depict the friends-to-lovers relationship shared in one of eight books written twenty years ago, show up throughout the junket with an extraordinary display of mutual respect, caring, and playfulness. I possibly enjoyed the exultation that the actors delivered on their world tour more than the eight episodes produced for Netflix. The energy they alchemize in each others’ company is joyfully infectious. I think a part of my obsession was a hesitation to leave that loving world behind, returning to a reality of divisive words and actions found daily in the news. We deserve better.
I recently found myself reviewing past trauma through what would have been a new trauma had it not been so familiar and easier to overcome out of habit. Even though I could intuit an expected outcome, I found myself believing in something different. Even though I was wrong, I don’t regret my ability to expect goodness.
A former service provider who had shown up in my life with kindness and generosity of spirit since before my Dad died, expressed an interest in getting to know me better. He was much younger, and since I have close friends of all ages, I felt inclined to accept the invitation, but I was also feeling triggered by the advance. In the past, when someone has expressed interest or attraction, it has ended in being psychically molested and then abandoned like a virtual rape victim. So, I was hesitant and consulted my intuitive soul daughter. We both concluded that the energy we felt was not dark and that he was possibly attracted to my light for reasons he didn’t quite understand. I told her that it made me feel uncomfortable and that I liked the simplicity in my life. I didn’t want to invite an experience that would lead to longing, expecting the eventual abandonment or disappointment that would follow should it turn out the same. She reminded me that if we are comfortable, we are not growing. So, I chose growth.
At first, it seemed there was genuine interest in friendship and I was excited about the possibility of nurturing another healing relationship with the masculine divine beyond my cherished godson. Sadly, the limit of his vulnerability was the fear of scaring me off for telling me about what he fantasized about ‘doing to me’, and then he was gone. Ghosted. No longer available to work that behavior into something that might be healing for both of us. When I shared that news with my soul daughter, she said, “Wow! That was a quick lesson! Now you get to process the totality of it.”
At first, I was mad at myself for believing it could be different, based on the way that each time we met I could sense that we both ‘lit up’ as if there was a past life or karmic connection. It was a sweetness that I certainly have never experienced with other home technicians. For that reason, I did not ghost him back. I maintained my confusion about the whole thing and decided to include him in my processing, regardless of whether he would see it or ever reply.
On my father’s 87th birthday, I sent him the blessing of a brief reading that my soul daughter discovered when entering his energy to see if it was safe after his first note of interest. And I concluded it with a blessing for his daughter, of which he had spoken from a past relationship that left him allegedly single for several years, and for him – because I prefer to lead with love.
“So this is my father’s birthday blessing to your daughter. May she never be mishandled by the harmful (intentional or otherwise) manipulation and abandonment of lesser men. May she be a magnet to all goodness and healthy behaviors from all beings who approach her. May she always be held with deep respect and great reverence. May she be eternally protected from all men who lack the character to deserve her beautiful heart. May she know that she is loved without condition. May you find the healing in your own being that brings a sense of wholeness to your soul. We all deserve that. Take care and thanks for the lesson. May it be my last.”
When I reflected on what I’ve learned about closure at the end of life, and how what we must release when we leave our bodies behind are the negative emotions of human construct, including guilt, shame, and attachment, I understood that I wanted to offer him one more gift. Forgiveness. “May you know that you are forgiven for all harm you may have said or done in this lifetime and beyond.”
After a week of silence while still carrying the burden of disappointment, I worried for his safety and wellness considering the nature of his job. What if this wasn’t a choice and something was wrong. Even though I’ve never had children, I totally know how to worry needlessly about irrational things. I discovered the deception through social media. Despite the beauty I had felt in his energy, there was a fiance and young children whom he had never mentioned. I wasn’t seeking a romantic relationship because he was born the year of my spiritual awakening – meaning I could have birthed him, but this finding turned his invasive and manipulative words to me into a horrifying assault on his family, as well. I guess I wasn’t finished with my monologue. I offer this next part as a suggestion to any man who might want to change the course of his karma.
“I realize now that I never got to tell you what I wanted. I don’t think you ever asked. Women are trained from birth to serve their fathers, brothers, and husbands (internalized patriarchy), and so we are often remiss in asking for what we need, because it is unlikely we’ve ever allowed ourselves to have needs. Women of a certain age have cultivated the capacity to both give and receive great pleasure, and frankly, we can serve ourselves with no need of a man. But what I would like from you, is an acknowledgment of your disrespect and an apology for your poor behavior. Your fiance deserves your loyalty and after offering you nothing more than friendship, mentorship, and loving kindness, I deserve your respect and to have my efforts met in some small way. I know I may not get what I want, but I might just get what I need… having spoken my complete truth after deep reflection.
Now that the veil of illusion is lifted on your personal life, I can tell myself a story of someone who works really hard to support himself and his family and how overwhelming and unsatisfying just living life can feel at times. Maybe he was looking for an escape from reality and to step into a fantasy for a moment, without accountability or recourse. Maybe he really did just want someone to talk to who could hold space for the heaviness of the responsibility that he carries, so that he might feel heard and held while life spirals in and out as it does, often feeling out of his control. But somehow, society taught him that the way to connect with a woman is through sex. He never learned about connecting deeply through honesty and vulnerability – by sharing the truth of every ache and wound, as well as the revelation of great joy. He had not seen the missed opportunity before him. He didn’t realize that innocent conversations of the heart could enable finding the truth of his own heart, which he could take safely back into his own committed relationship, without guilt or shame. I would have loved that ending. I would have cherished our friendship the way I cherish the trust my godson and I share.
Here’s how someone might begin reparation or repentance. “Dear M, thank you for the warm hand of friendship that you offered me last week. I was searching for some light, and I found it in you. I deeply regret that past traumas kept me from being able to receive your offer in a way that was safe and healing for both of us. Your trust and vulnerability were mine to earn, and I failed us both. I didn’t know what I was looking for and misunderstood the opportunity the universe had offered me. Thank you for your forgiveness already given, I offer you my sincere gratitude for helping me process the confusion we have both been experiencing in the past week.”
Okay. That’s it. I think I’ve processed all of the fog and confusion you left me with. I hope you will consider my respectful request. You have the opportunity to be a healer, dear. I know you wouldn’t want to miss that!“
There still has been no response. At times, I have considered being bitter, but thanks to my godson’s example I have chosen to be better. I feel that what I’ve managed to do here is to offer his daughter(s) a blessing from my father that was first and foremost a channeled blessing from my father to me. I have found no regret for leaning in for the possibility of more platonic love to enter my life, because it was not wrong to listen to the beauty of the sweet energy that existed between us. If I were to interpret the lesson as one that informs me I cannot trust myself and that I should remain closed to any future possibility of loving kindness when it knocks at my door, I would be limiting my life in a way that might truly feel like regret at the end. I deserve better.
I’m really sad for the loss of that sweetness because he truly felt like a blessing in my life from the first day I asked my angels to deliver an angel in the overwhelm of caring for my father at the end of his life. But I’m really glad to know that this kind of energy exists and that there is a possibility for more. Bring it on, Universe!
Thanks, Mercury Retrograde! Move along now. We’ll see you again at the end of November. And thank YOU, dear gentle reader, for walking this path with me. I love knowing you are here.
Bee the Light 