I remember in my past life, the one that revolved around a stressful role in a corporate office, that each time I took an overdue vacation it would take me a few days to finally feel disconnected from the intensity and worry of what was happening in the workplace. Especially in those last few years that were tainted by layoffs and the hostile takeover of the board of directors which were sources of extreme pressure for those I served. Gratefully, I ventured forth from my new normal and into a vacation with friends last week free from that kind of stress… but I must confess that it has taken me a few days to shake free from worry. My new worry lies with care and concern for my aging parents. It is difficult to disconnect from this particular anxiety, for it is far more important than any corporate or executive angst. I don’t think I’m alone in my lack of complete presence this week, for I know that each of us on this journey are carrying a similar weight. One of my friends may be speaking, and I am running a movie of whether or not my father is comfortable, or my mother has received the care she needed for her aching knee. I can personally recall the way that my parents jumped to action when I was sick or hurting, and now it is my father who is hurting. At 81, a blister on the foot from lack of socks with shoes can become a dangerous wound requiring antibiotics and daily treatment… and a bedsore…. ugh…
One of my life lessons has been the overcoming of fear based thought. I have been fearful of never being loved enough. I have feared losing the job that provided security. I have feared the suffering of beloved pets, and if I prolonged their suffering selfishly. I have feared gaining back weight that was so very difficult to lose. I have feared injury from which I might not recover. All of these things were major challenges to conquer in the field of thought, especially since we tend to manifest what we think about. The comfort and safety of my parents exceeds all of these concerns. It is heartbreaking to know that these people who have been powerful providers of love and support are facing the betrayal of their bodies and that there is little I can do to make it better. After all… this is life.
I would give anything to be able to wave my magic wand and erase memory loss, or the sense of panic that comes when landmarks are not as remembered and one feels lost. I would trade the contents of my 401K to ease your suffering and make your body strong again. I would wrap you in a cloak of comfort until you felt safe and knew that you would never fall down again. If I could, I would hold you in my arms and rock you to sleep each night to help you feel whole and loved unconditionally. I know that I cannot make everything right again, for this is the path we must each travel. The body is not meant to go on forever… that is the task of the eternal soul, but flesh is temporary. But love… love IS forever. I will love you through every challenge you face. I will love your memory, even when it only recalls the disappointment and rarely the beauty. I will love your heart that has loved me for all of my days upon the earth, and the days before my feet ever touched the ground.
All of that corporate crap from my personal history book is rendered obsolete in every future chapter. The time has come to nurture my most important shareholders. I hope not to let them down. But first… just a few more days of vacation. I love you most!
3 thoughts on “Careholder…”
You have a way of creating a picture of feelings just at the right time for me, in my life. Our family is struggling at this moment, similar to what you just shared with us.
Once again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
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I’m so sorry that your family is struggling, dear one. I am holding all of you close during this difficult time. ♡
Somehow I missed this post until this morning
Watching loved ones slowly disintegrate is a trying experience. One that is greatly shaped by the loved ones state of self awareness. My fathers mind and memories left him about a year before his body did . Those that are caregivers day in and day out can easily become numb or even resentful the process . The emotions are so contradictory and confusing at best . Thanks for your thoughts on the matter , you are very insightful
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