Today has been a difficult day. Not really for any good reason… it seemed like an energetic thing. Kind of like an indescribable ‘ick’ that sits thickly within one’s surroundings. I sat down to my end of life studies and found no drive. I opened the book I penned earlier this year, and I had no will to read. I glanced at my blog, and had no words to share. My soul-daughter reminded me that Mars goes retrograde tomorrow (in my own sun sign, no less), and that it means we will all be reviewing the past… so that we may then be free to move forward. This is our chance to slow down and consider past actions and patterns, and how they have served us… and what habits might be hindering our progress for the evolution of our higher selves. Sigh… if I get it all done today, can I just go on vacation from the hard work for the next two months, until Mars goes direct at the end of August? Please?! Well, no… my goddess girlie assures me that we will all get to face these old issues for the next two months, so let’s just plan to get through it… feel all the feels, and be prepared to move forward along with the perceived trajectory of Mars.
Being only a little stubborn and wanting to get the show on the road… as she headed out – I started my journey in. On Saturday, a few members of my spiritual community gathered to celebrate the Summer Solstice. The meditation guided us through a honeycomb beehive of past mistakes and regrets, and when we emerged we focused those morsels of restriction into honey and beeswax candles to be transmuted and transformed… into the sweetness of life, which only occurs when we are able to acknowledge how far we’ve come, and how much we’ve grown. “Last night, as I was sleeping, I dreamt that I had a beehive here inside my heart. And the golden bees were making white combs and sweet honey from my past mistakes.” ~Antonio Machado
This evening I continued that process, and I lit my beeswax candle along with some sage and dragonsblood incense. I called upon that which I cannot see with my eyes, yet is always present, and moved into the sacred art of flow. I set pen to page and awaited the words. They came as they always do, in curving lines of surprise. Who knew THAT was still in there? A list of names unworthy of her love and affection (save for one) – that girl I used to be, going back three decades… the pattern identified as giving at a deficit of receiving. All she ever wanted was to be loved enough… but she didn’t even love herself.
Words written in the color of blood, she poured out of her heart every ounce of bitterness and sorrow, then sealed it up with smoke and flame. Five pages consumed by ink, and then by fire… into the bowl of banishment. Ashes smoldering then doused by the sacred waters from the heart of Ireland… St. Brighid’s and St. Brendan’s wells. Then taken to that place in the side yard, near where her sweet Arthur was lost – has it been three years passed? Asking her beloved boy to help with the transformation from ash to resurrection… delivering the kind of deep-soul-love that his adoring gaze once made her feel.
Sage and incense still permeate the air, but it does feel less heavy… the ‘ick’ is gone. The candle has only moments of flame remaining, the light flickers in the base of its holder, the stick no longer exists. Transmutation is complete. Thank you. I love you. I love me. It is done!
Dear ones, should you find yourselves in deep reflection of your personal past over the next several weeks… please be kind to your heart. It was doing the best it could. Your soul appreciates the lessons and remains unharmed. These are lessons in forgiveness. Forgive yourself for the ignorance of youth and for every lesson that arrived ‘the hard way’. With mindful awareness, we do have the freedom to move into the future with an intention of continuing the process of growth and evolution, asking the Universe to deliver each ‘the fun and loving way’. That is MY intention, anyway. Make it so!
(St. Gobnait – Patron Saint of Bees and Beekeeping – Gougane Barra, Ireland)