Stream of Consciousness on Carbs

Tonight I gave into a longing for crunch, which I’ve not entertained for nearly two months.  Already feeling some regret, I started plummeting into an old familiar place of despair.  Instead of sitting inside of my Aquarian mind while beating myself up, I decided to open a page in Word, and type.  I’m not sure if this is fiction or prediction, or if this message is for me or for you.  But since I am on a foreign path of openness and exploration, following my guides who tell me to write and then write some more… I’m putting this out here for the Universe to see, since I’m not really sure if anyone else is actually watching.  This is what happened when I opened a page, closed my eyes, and gave my fingers creative license…

There is a place of darkness into which one alone sometimes falls.  There is an overwhelming sense of solitude, as if no one in the world could possibly hear your voice crying out for acknowledgment.  I am here.  Can you see me?  Can you hear me?  Where the heck am I?  What is that squishing between my toes?  

When you’ve been alone this long, it is difficult to imagine what it might be like to find yourself unexpectedly bumping into someone who is suddenly walking beside you.  What was that?  Did I just do that thing where I can’t walk in a straight line, and so I accidentally bump shoulders with someone who is simply walking in the same direction?  Oh, sorry!  Let me get back over to my side of the walkway.  But then, you find yourself bumping shoulders again, and then someone reaches for your hand, only you don’t look up to see who is there, because you are simply in shock for the sensation of your hand being filled with the palm of another…  Such a foreign sensation.  But it is not that you have never felt another hand holding yours, it is that there has never been a hand that has purposefully reached before.  There has never been one with a soul as pure as your own who has seen your light and been drawn to it like a moth to a porch light.  And yet, you look down and there is a hand that has most definitely reached for yours and his fingers are gently but firmly holding onto yours.  But he is not guiding you or pulling you onto his path, nor is he forcing himself onto yours.  This soul, is quite simply choosing to join you in a slow progression of forward motion.  Witnessing your evolution, while attaining his own.  And though you were previously feeling alone in the darkness, you are now witness to a blinding light that drenches this pathway with illumination that fills every crevice of darkness.  There is nowhere for anything to hide that might feel threatening.  Everything is immersed in the light.  All falseness is exposed and only truth can remain.  In this new place, where two souls have met, there can be only complete openness and honesty, authentic realness between souls. 

Having left behind the darkness of uncertainty, outdated and overgrown false perceptions of the past, a new hope rises from the mud and murk that once squished beneath your feet.  Your days were never meant to be absent of touch, lacking in connection, vacant of affection.  All that you never knew you yearned for is right here on this path that you’ve chosen.  When you are ready to shake off the shock of disbelief, you should probably take a moment to look up to see just who it is you’ve bumped into.

My soul-daughter and I were just discussing how we can feel a sense of deepening connection with our gifts, our authenticity, and adjusting our own beliefs about our connectedness to life, the universe, and everything.  At 22, she is just at the beginning of her journey, and at 49, I am past the midpoint… I imagine how much glorious, authentic living she will get to do, having this awareness now, rather than decades later.  But then… I think the same for myself… grateful to be finding it now, rather than… well, you know.

(Chalice Well Garden / Summer 2010)

Author: MelissaBee

Author of Persephone's Passage: Walking My Father into the Underworld - The Spiritual Journey of an End-of-Life Doula; Joyfully exploring an authentic life as a writer, a healer, and a sacred ceremony facilitator, while caring for aging parents, with reverence and gratitude. View all posts by MelissaBee